If I Were a Straight Guy...

WTF?!

2008-12-31T11:45:00.000-05:00

Dudes, via Durban Bud, I found the Gender Analyzer, which uses some sort of complicated mathematical formula to determine if the blog is written by a man or a woman.

This is what they had to say about If I Were a Straight Guy ...

"We think http://str8man.blogspot.com is written by a woman (66%)."

What the FUCK, Gender Analyzer? Let me tell you, this blog is written by a man (100%).

Apparently, I need to blog more about totally hot chicks and pussy.

Srsly.

Guide to Wrapping Presents

2008-12-21T17:30:00.001-05:00

Step 1: Buy Gift.
Step 2: Ask Cute Little Salesgirl to wrap it for you.
Step 3: If Cute Little Salesgirl says "We don't have a gift-wrapping service," smile, look confused, say something like, "this is for my mother ..." and start to walk away.
Step 4: Make the Cute Little Salesgirl breakfast the next morning.

If this is completely impossible, follow these simple steps:

Step A: Cut wrapping paper in a square.
Step B: Place gift in center of the square.
Step C: Bring corners up.
Step D: Carefully, smoosh paper around present.
Step E: Randomly tape bits that stick out.
Step F: Tie ribbon around the top.

Like this:

If you want to be Extra Thoughtful,

Step G: Dig the Christmas Card the recipient sent you out of the trash.
Step H: Cut out the cute picture on the front.
Step I: Use it as the gift tag.

Like these:

If the recipient gets all bitchy about you cutting up her Xmas card, all you have to do is make puppy dog eyes and say "all I wanted to do is recycle to help the environment."

Step J: Make the recipient breakfast the next morning.

Srsly.

Straight Guys Dig Cheerleaders

2008-09-08T15:35:00.000-04:00

Somethings are worth getting up at the ass crack of dawn for ...

Like supporting my neighbors in a 5K Fundraiser for Katrina Victims.

AND

Getting my picture taken with a couple of Redskins Cheerleaders:Boo-YAH! Who's the man?

Billie Jean is Not My Lover

2008-08-20T17:16:00.001-04:00

The Straight Guy is not the Baby Daddy.

The Straight Guy is Unemployed

2008-08-07T09:50:00.000-04:00

Dudes, I'm out of a job. That is so not cool. Srsly.

I'll bet you are wondering how Straight Guys spend their unemployment time, right?

Here's a little pictorial of my typical day.

Tequila.

Porn.*

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

*OMG. I can't believe I just spent an hour looking at straight porn. My eyes! My eyes! I feelz a leetle queasy. Srsly.

Bevy of Beautiful Babes, Beer, Baseball

2008-07-30T08:40:00.000-04:00

Dudes. The baseball game was totally awesome. These killer chicks hooked us up with a box suite and provided food and beer. Chili dogs and Bud. Perfection.

Not only was the suite sweet, it was filled to capacity with bodacious babes. Like these two totally hot chicks:

Does life get any better?

I think not.

[Although, if baseball had cheerleaders ...]

When It Rains, It Pours

2008-07-29T08:45:00.002-04:00

Dudes, sorry for the lack of posts. I've been "busy" - if you know what I mean.

*wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

Tonight I'm going to a baseball game/blogger gathering. And, dudes, the last time I went to a blogger gathering, I was surrounded by SuperHot Chicks. *rowr*

I'll be watching the Washington Nationals take on the Philadelphia ... um ... Eagles? It's going to be the BEST time ever: Baseball, Beer, and Babes! I am stoked.

Just don't track my eye movement ...

The Straight Guy is Sad

2008-06-18T10:15:00.000-04:00

Dudes, yesterday, a totally hot chick passed away:

That smile.
Those eyes.
Those legs.

Man, those legs were something else.

Cyd Charisse, dead at 86.

And Straight Guys are sad. Srsly.

Disbelief

2008-06-17T16:35:00.001-04:00

The Straight Guy demands a recount!

Straight Guys Go to Pride

2008-06-15T17:47:00.003-04:00

This hot chick asked me to go to the DC Gay Pride Parade.
I was OK with that because hot chicks dig guys who are ok with the whole "gay thing."
Besides, lesbians are HOT (and sometimes topless). Boobs, no matter their sexual preference, are hot. Srsly.

I am confidant in my masculine heterosexuality, and did not become all hot and bothered when looking at floats full of men dancing in their underwear:

Srsly.

Straight Guys Dig Awards

2008-06-10T10:15:00.002-04:00

Dudes, this totally hot chick gave me an award!

Yep. You heard me: An award. When was the last time a totally hot chick gave you an award after a night of dancing the horizontal tango? Like, never, right? (losers)

This straight guy is forkin' AWESOME! Yes I am. Srsly. I should give lessons.

I know you all want to see my award, so here it is:

And, to reciprocate*, here is an award I'm giving to all the SuperHotChicks who read this blog (call me!):

Straight Guys have mad MS Paint Skillz.

SuperHotChickReaders (call me!), put it on your blog TODAY!

*Straight Guys know that a good vocabulary impresses Hot Chicks!

Like a Good Neighbor

2008-06-09T08:25:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy is there!

Last night, I used my tool to make TWO totally hot chicks happy!

Dudes, it pays to have a well-stocked toolbox.

Dudes, This Totally Happened to Me, Too

2008-06-06T09:50:00.001-04:00

By way of a friend:

Straight Man Accidentally Sees ‘Sex and the City’
‘Terrifying’ Experience, Says Home Depot Clerk

A self-styled heterosexual man from Akron, Ohio said today that he was “traumatized” over the weekend after attending a showing of the new Sarah Jessica Parker film, “Sex and the City.”

Hendrick Colton, 34, said that he bought a ticket to the summer blockbuster “Iron Man” at his neighborhood multiplex but wandered into the theater showing “Sex and the City” instead.

“The minute the movie came on, I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong,” he said.Mr. Colton, a sales clerk at a Home Depot in the Akron suburbs, said he tried to leave the theater immediately but was seated in the middle of a row, making it impossible to escape without causing commotion.

“Everyone around me was laughing their heads off and shouting ‘You go, girl!’” he said. “It was terrifying.”

A spokesman for New Line Cinema, the company that released “Sex and the City,” said that the film grossed $55 million over the weekend but that Mr. Colton was the only heterosexual man known to have seen it.

Friends of Mr. Colton who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the Akron man seemed shaken by the experience of seeing the movie and was concerned
that others might now doubt his longstanding claim of being heterosexual.

Davis Logsdon, a professor of human sexuality at the University of Minnesota, said that a straight man could attend a film such as “Sex and the City” without experiencing any change in his sexual identity.

“A heterosexual man could see that movie and remain heterosexual at its conclusion,” Dr. Logsdon said. “Having said that, it’s totally gay that he did that.”

It reads like an Onion article, no? Stay tuned for an exciting recount of my recent trip to NYC, the Big Apple, Land of Skanky Hos.

Meat-Filled Monday: Bacon Makes Everything Better Edition

2008-06-03T09:30:00.000-04:00

You know what chicks dig? A guy that can cook.

I know. I know. Women are supposed to do all the cooking. But, sometimes, if she's a super hot chick, it's nice to surprise her with a nice meal you made yourself.

It's even better if it didn't come out of a box!

Dudes, trust me on this one: You cook for your babe and you will get laid. Srsly.

One of my blogger friends gave me this recipe for Spaghetti with Asparagus*, Shiitake** , Lemon and Chives. It looked all right, but you know what it was missing?

That's right. MEAT.

And you know what makes everything taste better?

That's right. BACON.

So,

+=

A delicious meal for your Hot Chick!

You can thank me later, dudes.

*Asparagus makes your pee stink. That is so cool.

**What? Shit-take? *heh*

Straight Guys Get Their Hair Cut

2008-05-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

Word on the street is that this is where straight guys get their hair cut.

'Nuff said.

10 Guilty Pleasures

2008-05-28T12:30:00.000-04:00

This totally hot chick tagged [*heh*] a blogger friend of mine, and that skinny bitch is making me do it too.

So here are the Straight Guy's 10 Guilty Pleasures
(even though straight guys are impervious* to guilt ... unless they are Jewish ... or Catholic):

1. Porn
2. Hot Chicks
3. Skanky Hos
4. Jerking off
5. Farting
6. Burping
7. Prime Rib
8. Beer
9. Wii
10. Pressing wild flowers.**

*I bet you didn't think I knew words this big, huh?
**Please tell me you got this reference without having to click on the link. Pleeeeeeeeez?

Beer. Porn. My Right Hand.

2008-05-28T08:45:00.001-04:00

Straight Guys do *not* dig memes.

However, this totally Hot Chick tagged a blogger friend of mine, so I decided to do it too (because Straight Guys dig hot chicks). One way to get into the pants of totally Hot Chicks is to do their memes. Not that I want to get into the pants of this totally Hot Chick, because she has, like, 262 kids. Someone's been in her pants enough already. Srsly.

Here are the meme instructions:

In this meme I will pick three things about the evening that made it fun (so hard). Then I will think of other things that can be described by [at least one of?] those same three things that are not related but completely random.

And here we go ...

Boobs
Nuts
Can
Kleenex
Milwaukee
My wingman
Manicures*
Spillage
Jesus
Bottle
Colorado
Clean water
Fingerprints
Did I mention boobs?

OK. We're done. This made the Straight Guy think too much. Straight Guys do *not* dig thinking too much.

However, the Straight Guy now gets to tag [*snort*] three Totally Hot Chicks: Holy Crappers, Java Jones, and Clio Bluestocking.

*Some Straight Guys do this. See Jordan, Michael.

Straight Guys Dig Politics

2008-05-27T09:15:00.001-04:00

The only reason I vote democratic is because Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi are hot chicks.

Srsly.

Hot Chicks: Memorial Day Special Edition

2008-05-26T10:30:00.001-04:00

Straight guys dig hot chicks. And, behind every soldier, who we honor today, was a SuperHotChick, who we usually forget to honor ...

Please take a moment today to remember these, and all the other, SuperHotChicks:

Jean Marie Faircloth MacArthur (Wife of Douglas MacArthur):

Mamie Eisenhower (Wife of Dwight D.):

Julia Grant (Wife of Ulysses S. Grant):

Military wives and mothers, you are the Hottest Chicks EVER. And Straight Guys totally dig you. Srsly.

Straight Guy Humor

2008-05-24T12:05:00.003-04:00

I just farted.
*snicker*

Next on If I Were a Straight Guy, the Straight Guy explains the complex humor theory behind the "pull my finger" gag.

If you don't get it, you don't get it.

On Women

2008-05-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

*heh*
Get it? Straight guys have really juvenile senses of humor.

Straight guys divide the women of the world into two distinct groups.

First, there are Hot Chicks.

Like Kristi Yamaguchi,
Paula Abdul,
and *hubba hubba hubba*
Scarlett Johansson
*drool*

Every guy wants a Hot Chick for a girlfriend. Hot Chicks are keepers. I am sure all the women who read this blog are Super Hot Chicks (call me!). Straight Guys dig hot chicks.

The other category of women, Skanky Hos, are not girlfriend material. They are only good for one thing ... and it's not gardening.

Sometimes Skanky Hos are so Super Skanky that they become Skankified. Then, they are not even good for that one thing. You might as well put her back in the gutter/ ladies bathroom where you found her.

Unfortunately, both Skanky Hos and Hot Chicks can morph into the type of woman we all dread, the PsychoBabe*. Totally scary. Only thing you can do when this happens is to change your identity and run, dudes.

Which brings us to the point of this post: It's Friday night, and I don't have a date. Last week's Hot Chick went all PsychoBabe on me. I guess I'll be staying at home tonight watching porn (Skanky Hos!) and jerking off.

*See Close, Glenn

Super Hot Lunch Date

2008-05-22T18:40:00.000-04:00

Dudes. This might be the one.

I met this Super Hot Chick at a local eatery, Adega Wine Cellar and Cafe. A blogger friend hooked us up.

I saw her as soon as I walked in the restaurant. At first glance, I thought she might be one of those Scary Feminists, so I let her pay for her own food. When we sat down at our table, dudes, she, like, totally surprised me.

She whipped out a breast and let me rub it ... in public! Straight guys dig boobs.

Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.
David: What?

It didn't feel like a bag of sand. It was a bit sticky though.

Hot. With Fried Food.

[Straight Guys *always* take pictures of their food.]

American Idol

2008-05-22T09:15:00.000-04:00

The only reason I watched is because Paula Abdul is one hot chick.

Srsly.

Dancing With the Stars

2008-05-21T09:05:00.003-04:00

The only reason I watched is because Kristi Yamaguchi is one hot chick.
Srsly.

Meat-Filled Monday: Start at the Very Beginning

2008-05-20T12:30:00.001-04:00

It's the very best place to start. In reading, you begin with "a. b. c."
In cooking every part of the cow that's edible, you begin with ...

Once removed from the cow, it looks more like this:

[Just without all those nasty vegetables on the side.]

I like to serve tongue when I have a hot date over for dinner and a movie. The chicks dig my tongue. Srsly.

Usually I slice it and grill it, like they do at Korean BBQ (and some Japanese) restaurants. If your babe is all grossed out by your tongue, tell her you learned to do it like that when you lived in South Korea (or where ever), because, as we have discussed before, chicks dig that Asian crap.

You can use a little tableside hibachi grill, like this:

Or you can fire up the Weber and grill out on the patio [If you don't have a Weber, what the hell are you doing you loser girlie-man?* You might as well be on your knees begging for teh buttsecks from your hot neighborhood muscle mary].

After the slices are sufficiently grilled [I like my tongue a little on the rare side], dip in your favorite sauce:

Is there any other steak sauce? I think not.**

If your chick is some sort of crazy psychobabe, she might prefer some other sauce. Try mixing the A.1. with a little kimchi, and, VOILA!, it's authentic Asian crap. [And we know how chicks dig that.]

Serve your babelicious chick some hot tongue tonight! You know you want to.

Next week on Meat-Filled Monday: Bacon Makes Everything Better

*Weber did not pay me to write this. Although they should. Hey, Weber representatives, you out there? Send me a check, bitches.
**Kraft Foods, Inc. did not pay me to write this. Although they should. Hey, Kraft representatives, you out there? Send me a check, bitches.

Meat-Filled Monday: The Beginnings

2008-05-19T16:00:00.001-04:00

These are cows.

Cows are made of meat.

See?

Meat is good.

Straight guys like meat.

Straight guys eat lots and lots of meat.

Chicks dig guys who eat lots of meat.

Every Monday, I am going to eat a different part of the cow and blog about my dinner. It's going to be Meat-Filled Monday (nothing like this ~~faggot's~~* person's Meat-Free Monday).

Tune in tomorrow for the first installment!

*Straight guys aren't haters.

Weekend Update: Pizza and Beer Edition

2008-05-19T12:30:00.000-04:00

Mondays totally suck. My weekend was good, even though I didn't get laid.

Friday night was the date. It was all right. The chick seems a bit clingy though. Good thing I never sent that email I wrote. She's already called me like 5 times. Desperation is never attractive. I don't need any psychogirl shit like that.

It must've been the Brut.*

Saturday, some of the guys and I went to Adams Morgan. The bars there are so cool. The chicks are all total sluts. It's great! Mike said he banged this babe in the bathroom of Heaven. I ate a giant slice and threw up in the street on the way back to the Metro Station.

Sunday, Dan came over and we watched ~~football~~ ~~hockey~~ ~~whatever forkin' sport is in season~~ the game on ESPN.** I ordered pizza from Dominos. Dan brought Miller Lite. Dudes, there is nothing like pizza and beer when you are hungover.

The good news is that my stimulus check was deposited into my account. I'm going to buy a PlayStation. It's my patriotic duty to stimulate the economy.*** George Bush is the best president ever.

*Note to self: Next time wear Old Spice.
**And, because I'm, like, totally straight, we didn't mess around on the sofa or nothing. Srsly.
***Whatever the fuck that means.

Dear Jennifer

2008-05-17T09:15:00.002-04:00

Or was it Wanda?

Thank you for a lovely evening. You are much hotter than your pictures!

I could tell you were fascinated by my recitation of Yankees left fielders from 1943 to today. You quickly ascertained that I love not only mental, but also physical challenges, since you dared me to eat that entire serving of wasabi! On our next date, we can discuss your stance on the in field fly rule. I feel we have so much in common.

I can't remember if I told you how beautiful you looked last night. That dress you were wearing made your breasts look huge. I hope I wasn't staring at them too much. I'm sure I wasn't, because I remember gazing deeply into your stunning blue eyes.

Or maybe they are brown?

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I think you are one hot piece of ass, and I am looking forward to our next date. Are you free on Friday? I'll call soon.

Very truly yours,
VUBOQ

PS. That playful slap when I kissed you good night was such a turn on.

At least, it's the email I would write if I were a straight guy ...

Friday Night is Date Night

2008-05-16T14:00:00.001-04:00

I've got a date with a friend of a friend tonight. Her pictures look hot. She is on fire, one smokin' piece of babeliciousness.

We are meeting for drinks at Aroma in Cleveland Park, and, then, having dinner at Spices. I hear chicks dig that Asian crap.

Now, for the most important question:

Old Spice or Brut?*

*because chicks dig it when you smell good.

It's an Experiment.

2008-05-16T12:15:00.000-04:00

So, I was sitting here. Bored. With 15 minutes to go. And I thought, "What would my life be like if I were straight?"

Hmmm ...

I wonder ...

Isn't this template like the Straightest Guy Template EVER?

*smooches*
[hm. For one thing, I suppose I wouldn't end each post with a *smooch*]

*high fives*